Found this in my email today. It is from a friend, written shortly after isatou's memorial last summer. very touching.

Dear Babou and Zanna,

What a tremendous blessing your family is. Here in the midst of your loss, your ability to touch others, show love and express faithfulness is nothing short of amazing.

I have been deeply touched by you both this week. The love you have in your hearts is so wonderful. I am touched by seeing you together. I am touched by seeing the closeness you have with your sister, Zanna. I am touched by having the opportunity to meet many of your friends and witness them coming together for you and experience the goodness in their hearts. I am touched by watching Omar play and seeing him sit on Babou’s lap. I am touched by your words, Babou, and my heart lifted a bit when I heard you speak of Isatou coming to you in your dreams every morning. What a sweet angel she is.

I was going to take pictures today for you to have later. Typically, I am a very visual person – which is why I burst into tears as I looked at the framed photos of Isa in the art area. As I told Babou though, I stopped and could not do it. In part, it just didn’t feel right and in part because today did not feel visual. What I was taken by was the feeling of love and loss and transformation, the feeling of the air around us and ground beneath our feet, and the sound of the river and the wind in the trees. That was a large part of what today was for me in honoring Isatou – that which cannot be captured on a camera to give to you, but I know in my heart . . . . you already have in your heart and being.

I am touched by your connection and respect for the outdoors, mother Earth and our world as a whole. I am touched by your ability to share that in such an easy way as it is just a part of you. I am touched by your ability to continue walking with forward momentum when it would be so easy to crumble into a ball.

I am saddened we were never able to meet and play with Isatou. I just love that sweet, spunky little girl without ever even having met her.

There is so much more I could say to you, but the long and short is I thank you. I thank you for sharing who you are in such a beautiful way. I thank you for allowing us to be near you today. I thank you for loving your children and your family the way you do.

My prayer is to be able to make a difference for you. My promise is to continue to stand next to you and to believe in you.

I am so sorry for your loss.

In loving honor to your sweet baby girl,

Erin Fairbairn

(Andy, Colton and Jacqueline too)

a smear of a visit

Today is the 9th of May. 10 months ago, my little girl died. one week ago, her headstone was finally installed. tomorrow is the sentencing hearing for the woman guilty of her death. it is so intense. the volcano is about to blow. babou is maxxed out on his ability to cope, and the world still feels like it is crumbling down.

this picture was accidentally taken by a friend at isa's headstone gathering. what do you see? i can see isa.

she was there, there is no doubt about it, but visual evidence? please. am i crazy? maybe. but what harm can come of that? that is twice now, she's given us a sign out at the cemetery, when we are all together. gives me just a smear of hope that life is bigger than this.

xo zan

Yesterday we went to a fundraiser for an Armenian Orphanage. As the three of us walked into the Longmont coffee shop, the 3 ladies performing some live acoustic music were singing "Leaving on a Jet Plane." I was wearing my pin with Isa's picture on it and a friend commented, "Oh, you brought her with you!" Through tears I said, "I think she's already here."

how to describe it...

I just finished reading, "Finding Hope When a Child Dies: What Other Cultures Can Teach Us" by Sukie Miller. Here is a part that spoke to me.

in our search for a meaningful vocabulary for the experience of child loss, we need words that will contain the pain and isolation and chaos and the spiritual upheaval of all that has transpired. we need words that symbolize both suffering and healing, that evoke honor and suggest experience, new strength, and deeper vision - because all these are true after the death of a child.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxisaxoxoxoxoxowexoxoxmissxoxoyouxoxoxoxoxo

poem i like

I wish heaven had a phone so I could hear your voice again. I thought of you today but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and your picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, from which I'll never part. God has you in his arms, I have you in my heart. - anonymous

we really like this poem.

today is the winter solstice. the shortest day of the year. i ponder what is next. a new leaf? and fresh start? it all seems so trite. everything has changed and new beginnings have yet to offer any hope. now it's off to visit my baby's grave...

Isa Video

Dia de los Difuntos

Dia de los Inocentes (Nov 1st)

Here are the sugar skulls Zanna and I decorated in celebration of our Isatou

We put them on her alter.

Dearest Isatou

It has taken some time to find the strength to talk to you.

It has taken some time to be able to look back, and not find you.

It has taken some time to think the thoughts of you gone.

But we feel you.

We barely knew you, but we see you in the smile of our boy.

We hear you in the laughter of his voice.

And we will always smile with you, and laugh with you,

and just know... you will never be gone.

Because we feel you.

Always.

With all our love,

Tante Heidi, Uncle Nick, and cousin Aeden

Dirt Devil by a Dare Devil

Today Omar, Babou and I went to visit Isa's grave together for the first time. We sat with her for a little while, each doing our own thing. Babou was praying, I was doing a light meditation, and I gave Omar the video camera to watch some old videos of her and him to help him feel close to her. After a while, we were going to leave, but decided to have our snack as a picnic. We got out a blanket and sat in the shade of a tree near the parking lot. The sun was shining and there was not even a breeze. The 3 of us sat on the blanket in a little circle eating our apples and nuts, when over near my car, about 20 feet away, a dirt devil began to stir. It swept up a swarm of little golden leaves and as we all watched in awe, it headed straight for us. It engulfed us with its warm tickley blowing and then everything was completely still. It is hard to describe, but we all knew it was not random and that it was Isa. Thank you Isa, for letting us know you were there. 

xoxo Mama

tributes

                                                                                  i wanted to share my latest tributes to my little isa. the first stone is a little plaque omar and i made to dedicate the orchard we planted in our backyard. we planted a peach tree, a red delicious apple tree, a honeycrisp apple tree and lastly, a dwarf cherry tree. we will plant a pear tree and a nectarine tree in the spring. the plaque sits at the base of the dwarf cherry tree which is in the middle and is the smallest (and i'm hoping the pinkest). we planted it with babou's 3-year-old dreads that existed only as long as isa did. it feels really good to have the orchard. i have a place to go to visit her now, that is really close. 

the second stone is at the picnic ground outside of empire where we had her memorial. i used fingernail polish to paint her name on a river rock. not sure how long it will last, but i feel like a part of her spirit is there, even though she never went there while alive. 

not sure how much more tribute i can pay to her. it always falls short of having her here with me.

some Lights never die
but have a duty
to burn bright

within our Hearts
as long as we live.

it is the sun's duty to
rise everyday
and without it,
we'd be lost.

some Lights never die
because without them,
we'd be lost.

isatouceesay.com

we've just updated isa's website. there is now more pictures and a little biography i wrote about her. check it out at isatouceesay.com  and props to kalina herr for all her love and efforts.

dandelion wishes

oh baby. i miss you so much. 

i just got some videos from my sister, christina. this one is from when she was 2. i have more recent ones, but my video camera is broken, so i haven't been able to view them. the second the first video opened, and i saw isa, i thought, "it was real. i did have a daughter." 

it's been just over 2 months since isa died and though it feels like an eternity since i got to hold and squeeze my little girl, the pain feels like it happened yesterday. 

my wish is that you were still here with us.

xoxo mama

Thinking of Her...

Thinking of her a lot today. Knowing she is somewhere really wonderful, but still missing her...

Lots of these dandelions have popped up- seemingly overnight on our front lawn.

Dandelions-her favorite flower. Know she'd love to make a wish...

Love you, Isy.

Mourning Dove

Each morning since I've been back in San Diego, I've been running. As I usually wake up thinking of Isa, it's my quiet time in the morning

to reflect on her, my family and my life.

I've been noticing these doves. I remembered there was a pair that lived off the porch at our old house, but each morning I was running I would see just one. And they seemed to be staring at me.

I took this picture with my phone- so the bird seems far away, but she was being so still and looking so closely at me.

During the week after Isa's passing we kept seeing these doves. I learned that they are called "mourning doves" because of their mournful coo. How appropriate.

Sometimes they would appear in a strange place, in the middle of the day, and they would stay and stare at us for a long time. I really felt

they were messengers from Isa.

I looked up some meanings for mourning

dove and here is what I found:

"Several meanings. But the most symbolic, of course, is that it represents Spirit inall indigenous beliefs. Since we communicate and learn through our 5 senses, this is how Spirit can communicate through other creatures and reach us without inducing panic or stress.

When a mourning dove lands on your balcony & looks at you for an extended amount oftime, there is no need to be concerned for your physical wellbeing. You can believe that the message was of peace and love. The assurance that you are one with creation."

empty buggy

today i went to king soopers for the first time since isa died. it was really hard. it used to be a real treat to go to the grocery store without kids. now it is just real lonely.

love bug.

We love you!

You are not alone, trust me.  We all miss Isa and think about her constantly.  Her curly black hair and her perfect little nose.  I remember going into the old occupations room and there she was, fast asleep in her cradle, content because she was close to her mommy.  Even better was when she would cry, so soft and sweet.

Little Mountain Lion

One of my favorite pictures of Isa. This was my screen saver when I first got the picture, & every time I opened my computer, I would just laugh at her cute face. She's trying so hard not to smile, and I could just see her little attitude. Plus, I loved that she was wearing the little rasta dress I got her for her 2nd birthday, which she outgrew too soon and it became a shirt.