today i cried at a party, and for the first time since isa died, it felt or seemed inappropriate. an unwelcomed buzz kill. is this the phenomena that other people might think i should be over it? am i just imagining it? or am i just uncomfortable with being public with my emotions anymore? all i know, is that i wanted to cry and i wanted to be anywhere else. z

a dream from amy

Hi Zanna,
I just wanted to tell you how honored I was to be included yesterday in gathering for Isa [the anniversary potluck picnic] and how beautiful you are in everything you do--so generous and thoughtful in the midst of grieving for Isa, being a mom to Omar, a wife to Babou, and friend to everyone.

I had a dream about Isa Friday night. I dreamed that I was looking through a pipe in a wall--it was really hard to see through it--flickery like an old film. Hannah was with me and we were taking turns looking. Through the pipe, we could see into a lovely garden--over grown with lilies and yarrow and blackberry bushes. There was a limestone wall with a crumbly staircase in the middle, and a stone building beyond it with an aged wood roof. Isa was playing gleefully with some tan and black
long-eared goats--jumping and running along with them.

See you,
Amy

Birthday Wishes

my dear Isa,
Happy Birthday, my precious baby. today is your 4th birthday. too bad you never got the chance to be a 4-year-old. it's getting harder and harder to imagine what you would be like. i put away the 'princess and the frog' flip flops popsie got you last year that you wanted. i don't think they would have fit you anymore. they seem so small. i wonder what you would have wanted for your birthday present this year. i woke up just a mess, and didn't know what to do with myself. so i set up your birthday table. i wish with my whole heart and soul you were still here and just sleeping, soon to wake up to find your place at the table beautifully decorated with flowers, presents, and cards aplenty. instead, it sits on your alter, honoring you and sending you our love and blessings... and hopeless longing. i wish we could have a birthday party for you again. and again. lots more. remember last year? the big slide? all our friends? the bbq? the slide was awfully intimidating for you with all the big boys on it, but you got to enjoy it with just omar the following day. and remember the hike at windy saddle? such a big girl, you hiked the entire way in and out. remember how it sprinkled on us? perhaps we will hike there this evening again. that is where i was when you died and i haven't been back since. you didn't know what to make of your birthday. you were constantly wondering what all the fuss was about. popsie remembers you changing your clothes so many times into your new outfits, trying them all out. i still sleep with your favorite dress tante tina had given you. the one you wore the day you died. i use it to dry my tears...

now you would be four and about to be a big sister. as old as omar was the day you were born. he became your big brother at 4. it is your turn, where are you? the hole in our lives is still so pronounced. we missed you in Africa and we miss you here. we miss you at the restaurant and we miss you at lion's park. we miss you in the backyard and we miss you at the library. everything is different without you and today is especially hard. we love you so much. i know in my heart that as a spiritual being, you can see so much more than i can, and i long for that perspective. help me to see it. you are amazing and i miss you. now i will go water your orchard...

your earth family...mama...popsie....omar....